Confess By Bulimia Victim

Gail's Story

"It was all about getting food and getting rid of it." My freshman year of college I decided I had gained weight. I went on a diet and started taking diet pills. Somehow I figured out if I ate, I could throw up what I'd eat and I wouldn't gain weight. Then it became a binging thing where I would go to the cafeteria five times for breakfast, five times for lunch, and whatever and each time I would throw up, go back, eat, throw up, go back. I managed to go to classes and to socialize and to do what I needed to do. I was probably binging and purging 20, 25 times a day, and no one ever said anything to me.

" We didn't know about bulimia." At one point I went to the doctor. He said, "It's just a phase, it'll go away." My mother and I sort of breathed a sigh of relief. At that time what was happening to me didn't have a name. In my mind, I felt like it's just going to go away. I knew it wasn't normal. I thought it was pretty bizarre and gross and disgusting and shameful, that I couldn't imagine there was anybody else in the world doing what I was doing. If somebody said to me, "Oh my god, how do you stay so thin?" you might as well have taken nails on a chalkboard. I did not want to answer that question.

"So here I am, 38 years old, living my life as a bulimic." I had two very good friends that figured out I was bulimic. One friend of mine had two sisters-in-law that were anorexic and she knew about eating disorders. They had been with me enough times to see me overeat and disappear and they figured it out. They went to my husband and said, "We know Gail is sick, we want to help her." He sat me down one Saturday night after we'd come back from the movies, gave me a letter, and basically said, "I love you, I know you're sick, I know you're throwing up, I understand why you've lied and we'll get you help."

I agreed and I contacted the Redford Center the next day, and we went in for a consultation. For the first time I had to tell somebody I had an eating disorder. I decided to go into outpatient treatment. I was so scared about what people were going to do and say, how they were going to judge me, but their reaction was nothing like I imagined. My friends were wonderful, they were supportive, they would do whatever they needed to help me. I started this program as the oldest person in the group with ten other younger girls, and it was the first time I was ever with anyone else that had an eating disorder.

"My insurance company declared me well, all fixed and better."

I clearly needed more help after only three months, but the program cost $900 a week and my insurance company would no longer cover it. I talked it over with my husband and he said, "Whatever you need, stay with the program, we'll figure out how to pay for it." I spent the next 9 months in this program. I started to understand that I didn't know how to express anger, and I was a caretaker and a perfectionist, and I had low self-esteem and felt that my whole life my value was based on my looks, and I didn't have intelligence, and I had a boyfriend in high school that confirmed that to me every day and told me how stupid I was, and I wouldn't make it in college. I didn't know how to make waves or use my voice or speak for myself and recognize what I needed and I wanted and what was important to ME.

"I was going to be an example. "I went to Washington, D.C., and I started lobbying for mental health parity because my insurance company left me in the dark. My husband and I had to take a second mortgage out on our home, because my entire treatment ended up being in excess of $50,000. I was lucky I had that resource, but I wanted other people to know that treatment for eating disorders can make you well if you can get it.

My goal with lobbying at that point was to tell my story and let people know that at 41 years old I was recovering from an eating disorder that I had for more than half of my life because I had treatment. And despite the fact that my insurance company wouldn't pay for it, and they NEED to pay for it so that people can get well. I was going to be an example of "recovery works if you have treatment." I developed a non-profit, FREED, For Recovery and Elimination of Eating Disorders, and we run fundraisers during the year for people across the country who need help paying for treatment.

I'm healthier now than I have been ever. I feel good about myself, I like myself, I've accepted myself.

Posted By P.Akilla